Merry Christmas

 

     We had a very lazy Christmas Day yesterday.  I was really nice to relax.  Things have been pretty crazy around here the last few months.  All in all I just want to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  I can't wait for a fresh start!  I love the new year and the idea of striving to make changes and become better and stronger.  I love and miss my family and friends every day. 

                                                                                                                       We love you! Carters

The Little Mermaid

Audrey's Debut Performance

Proud mommy moment . . .

Audrey has never done anything like this before.

 

Rachel - my little Diva Princess in her element . . .

 

 

One more of Rachel.  If you strain, you can hear her voice over the yelling;)

 

Billboard Motherhood - Debunked

As young people, I think that it is pretty easy to identify what we are and what we are not.  As difficult as the journey to adulthood is, there are many options that are not necessarily defined as good or bad.   For example, I was very into performing arts.  I was interested in music and dance and literature.  I immersed myself in those kinds of activities and didn't really feel like I had to make apologies for not being an athlete or a brainiac.  I was comfortable being social and artsy and involved in colorful things.  I didn't make straight A's and I was okay with that.  I spent the bulk of my time doing extra-curricular activities and there was no way I could have done it all. 
    
  I had other friends that would stay up all hours of the night studying for tests.  These were the friends that made 4.0's and went on to great Universities.  I knew others who were really into athletics or student counsel and so on.  We had pretty clearly defined interests and I think, in all of our teenage awkwardness, we felt comfortable with our identity.
 
 Somehow, as we become Mothers, I think many of us lose that.  There becomes one Universal way to be a "good" Mother. We have all seen her; the Mother who's house is straight out of pinterest, her kids are dressed to the nine's, her makeup and hair are perfect, she runs her own business making crafts on etsy, she wears vintage clothes with a twist, she celebrates every holiday and birthday in style and amazing detail and posts it all on instagram and facebook for everyone to see.  Some of us may even know this Mother personally and can vouch for her authenticity.  I call her a "Billboard Mother."  She gets all the attention, she can be found all over the net and gracing our iphones daily.

So what!!

    That is only one way to be a Mother.  Just as all of us weren't cheerleaders or straight A students in high school, not all of us will be billboard Mothers.  It is wonderful to appreciate moments in another person's life or feel inspired by another persons talent, it is dangerous to strive to be the kind of Mother/person that does not come naturally.  Doing things that you enjoy will ensure enthusiasm and success in sharing them with your children.  Doing something that you think you should enjoy because you think it will make you a good mom is a recipe for disappointment.  The raw moments of Motherhood cannot be photographed or shared.  They happen in quiet moments in our hearts, usually, when we are not trying to make them happen. 
  
     Some of the least blog worthy moments are the ones that really define us as Mothers.  The ones that happen in our pajamas, with no make-up, at 2 a.m. The really hard days, those are the ones that count the most.  There are many ways to be a Mother, but there is only one way to be happy in Motherhood and that is to be you. 

Feelings - Post Election

 

I'm feeling very unsettled today.  It comes in waves of slight anxiety; the increased pounding of my heart in my chest or a sudden need to catch my breath.  My stomach is not so much in knots as it is occupied by butterflies; not the kind born of puppy love, but more the sharp descent of a roller coaster variety.  I do not feel hopeless, I do not see doom and gloom.  I feel vulnerable and unsure.  I feel a need to gather my chickens under my wing.  I may not be able to do much for the world at large, but I can shelter these five. 

I am lucky to have married a man who can calm the storm in me.  He brings me peace.

Bad Days

Let's get real here . . .

Some days are just bad days.  I hesitate to even say those words because a bad day can ALWAYS be worse.  These are not the kinds of "life is over" bad days, these are just the kinds of days that you want to hit fast forward so you can go to bed and start fresh the next morning.   We had one of those over there!  I can't wait to hit my pillow!!  Here is to a fresh start tomorrow . . .

I guess I've joined the ice capades . . .

Eight years ago, I was living in my first home here in Texas. My neighbor Lynda was one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  She was a home school Mom.  I remember looking across the street at her kids, sprawled out on a blanket, doing school work together.  I watched and admired as I would an ice-skater or an Olympic gymnast and thought, "what a beautiful thing that I will never do."  Of course I wasn't particularly conscious of thinking that way but I know I did.  Today it was my kids, sprawled out on the lawn doing school and I have to say, it was really great.

 

After school we went to "art club."  The kids made ghosts out of paper machet and cheese cloth.  After their projects, they played outside, riding bikes, swinging in the hammock, and climbing trees.  There were no bullies or "popular" kids.  Just kids, riding bikes and climbing trees.  I loved it. 

 

 

 

The rising and setting of the sun . . .

I have been waking up at 5:30 a.m. so that I can get my workout in. This was what I got to witness the other morning. As you know, photos just don't do justice. 

I also enjoyed this subdued sunset. It was so understed yet still breathtakingly beautiful. It seemed still, and wise; like an old woman who has experienced much and yet remains quiet, content not to be in the limelight. (If that makes any sense).

Things I thought I'd never say . . .

"Claire!  I have asked you a hundred times to get in the tub!  Why are you standing behind me naked putting a tamborine on my head?!"

Making Many Memories

Today was wonderful.  It was one of those days that really makes homeschooling worth it.  We laughed until we almost cried.  There were so many fun moments that can't be described in words.  It was such a full day, we "worked" until almost 4:00 p.m. but we enjoyed every moment.  I am really grateful for this precious time that I am spending with my girls.  I am getting to know them in a way that I didn't know them before.  I am learning how their little minds work.  It is a pleasure. 

  

 

This is Claire with her "purple oatmeal" and her "jelly toast"

 

 

 

I can feel the memories and I ache for them before they've passed!

Life times Four

     When I was a newly married, nineteen year old, looking at the prospect of having a family I am sure I had imagined what my life as a Mother would be.  I am sure that I considered that there would be hard days but I think the overarching theme was the shear excitement of possibility.  Thoughts like, "What would my daughter or son look like?" "What kinds of talents would they possess?" "Would he/she favor me or my husband?" I imagined soccer games and playing dress-up, braiding hair, and singing lullaby's.  It was all very dreamy.  I longed for it more than I had longed for anything in my life. 
     As I have fallen into the roll of a Mother ever so gracefully (hah!), I have thought a lot about the realities of parenthood that just cannot be conveyed.  I have thought many times, "Why didn't someone tell me ______" fill in the blank.  Parenthood is HARD. It is beautiful and raw and trying and unlike anything else in the world.  I have never been pushed so far passed my own capacity to do, to think, to feel, to understand.  Furthermore, I have seen those that I love handle the unimaginable; losing children, watching children suffer, bearing children with disabilities, and simply managing everyday illness and struggle.   I have seen friends battle with infertility, mental illness, depression, anxiety, and unforeseen trials. 
     What I have seen is life, raw and unfiltered, felt in the depths of one's soul, unedited, and unrelenting.  It has brought me to tears and knocked me to my knees.  But, what I have found is strength of spirit.  The human spirit is unmatched and its very height of strength is found in parenting.
I have never felt so much love, so much fear, or so much hope.  The unwritten potential being harnessed in these four little bodies I am to cultivate and protect is ever on my mind.  It is far more than peanut butter and jelly, sandboxes, and dance practice.

      I can identify with the following quote: 

     “I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someones garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”   -Marjorie Pay Hinckley

 

"Really living." It is in the good the bad and the truly painful. We cannot shelter ourselves from heartache and pain and "really live." There is beauty in it all.

 

Each and every person on this earth will experience defeat, suffering, struggle, loss, and the like, but a parent feels them times four! (Or however many children they have).

 

Making the decision to have a child is momentous.

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” -Elizabeth Stone

 

 

     Therein lies the essence of for what I was not prepared.  But alas, there is opposition is all things and on the other side of pain is immense pleasure, on the other side of sadness is everlasting joy, on the other side of disappointment is immeasurable satisfaction, and on the other side of loss is incomprehensible gain. 

 

   Of the many things I may have said to that 19 year old girl, I'd say, do it. Do it again and again and again and don't look back. 

 



 

 

Jamie - a close personal friend of mine.

 

     This picture hangs above the chair where Rachel sits to get her vitals taken at the sarcoma center at M.D. Anderson.  I have logged a lot of time staring at this picture and reading and re-reading the words written underneath.  During the early days of Rachel's diagnosis of synovial cell sarcoma, this picture gave me a lot of comfort.  On the day of Rachel's last check-up, four years since she has been cancer free, I looked at this picture again and it felt like I had come full circle.  I thank my Father in Heaven every day that Rachel is still with us and that she was able to heal from this awful disease that plagues so many.   



M.D. Anderson has these Bio's littered on their walls all over the building.

I love them. 

They lend so much hope in such dark days.

Little Buddies

     For anyone who knows my Claire and Adam, the term "cat and mouse" may come to mind to describe their relationship.  There have been times that I have thought that the two of them would single handedly (double handedly) give me a full head of gray hair!  Since Adam has been away at school a miraculous thing has occurred.  They have started to get along with each other!  It has been a sight for sore eyes I tell ya!

 

 

 

 

     I am the activity day leader at church for the 8-11 year old girls.  I have to drag them along because James usually works nights.  The two of them got into my purse and made up their own game. I thought it was rather inventive.  Look closely and you can see that they are using some feminine items.  So funny!!

My little Marthas

    
     One day I left my girls at home while me and Claire ran to the grocery store.  We had invitied the missionaries over for dinner and I had to grab a few things for the meal.  I was running behind and really stressed out to get home and get everything prepared.  When I walked in the door I found a perfectly clean home and a table that was set and ready to go.  My girls really helped me out that day and it melted my heart that I didn't even ask them to do it. 

Poor Pitiful Puppy

 

 

   Baxter is such a scaredy cat!  He is completely afraid of heights, he will not go up or down the stairs or jump from the ledge of my shower as I bathe him.   He wouldn't dream of attempting  such a daring feat as to leap from the confines of a wicker basket!  He was causing so much distraction during scripture study the other morning that he was put in a puppy "time out" of sorts.  He was paralized.  It was hillarious to watch him whimper as he subjected himself to his punishment.  It gave us all a good laugh!

Audrey took pity on him and saved him from a dreadful fate!

 

Bedtime for Claire

Claire is one of a kind. She has got a mind of her own and a personality to boot!   I am ashamed to admit, she is so spirited, that I dread the process of putting her to bed.  I have given her a bit more freedom lately and she seems to be enjoying her nighttime rituals.  She hums and sings and plays with toys until she decides to go to sleep.  James and I love to listen to her singing and talking to herself on the baby monitor.   

Dr. Day

We did not get off to a very good start with our homeschooling.  The first day of homeschool was spent at the Dr. because Claire had pneumonia.  She had spent the days leading up to homeschooling very sick and was not better.  Thankfully, my Mom came and helped so that we could get started on our new adventure.  Claire is still not better.  She has sinusitis that has not gone away after two weeks of antibiotics.  She will be treated with antibiotics for six weeks and if that does not do the trick we will talk about removing her tonsils and adenoids. 
    




Poor Claire's eyes get such dark circles!



 

  

Due to all of Claire's illness, the girls pronounced every Friday as Dr. Day!

This is Dr. Kray, Claire's asthma doctor.  He is awesome!

  

 

     One Friday the girls came downstairs clad in hoodie sweatshirts.  Remember, September can be the hottest month in Texas.  When I asked them what they were thinking they informed me that they were prepared for Dr. Day!  It is always so cold in the doctor's office.  Audrey and Rachel have not been please about the necessity of Dr. Day.  They would much rather have "pajama day."  We are hoping to have "pajama day" soon. 

Adam's First Day of School

This is my big enthusiastic Kindergartner!!  I miss him every day while I have all of my other kids at home but I really believe that he is exactly where he needs to be.  He has such a love of learning.  He comes home every day and tells me ALL about everything that he learned.  He told me the other day that students in his classroom were, "talking while I was trying to learn."  I am so proud of this boy.  It wasn't that long ago that I COULD NOT get him to TALK to SAVE MY LIFE.  His speech delay was pretty severe.  I am so happy that he is thriving in school!

More Time

Homeschool is a new life and a new schedule. Can you guess one thing that we have had a little more time for?

Hair STYLES

 

I've even been getting some attention in that arena!

By the way . . .

 

. . . It RAINS in TEXAS!

Tales from the Classroom . . .

Today I asked Audrey to read aloud Rachel's spelling words while she wrote them on the white board.  She took a little creative licence with the sentences.  I was listening from the other room.  This made me smile:)

Products:

"We have better hair care products than the Svedin's."

(They spent the night this week with our good friends the Svedins while we went to a funeral.   Aparently, Audrey disapproved of the quality of their hair care products).

Riches:

"If we get enough riches we can move to High Meadow Ranch and have our own dance studio and pool in our backyard."

The mind of a ten year old!

The Front Yard

When you live in a place for long enough, the little things around you start to have significance. Just the sight of a simple tree or bush or angle of your yard can invoke a feeling of nastalgia.  These photos were taken last spring and I already feel a sense of memory when I look at them.  This reflects my children in simple moments, on an ordinary days, in the yard.   

A cool morning breakfast.

 

 

I really love this photo. 

Every Spring the trees at the end of our cul-de-sac bloom with these purple flowers. 

 It fills our little corner of the earth with color. 

We love to go outside at dusk. 

The sun sets in our side yard and the world seems calm and pure for just few golden minutes.

 

REwind to MAY

Happy Birthday to Audrey 

 

 Back in May before I abandoned this blog, Audrey turned 10!!  Can you believe I have a ten year old!   She has grown up so fast as oldest children do.  I am so glad to be having all of this quality time with her this year.  She has gotten lost in the mix these last few years as I have been having babies and toddlers to chase around.  She is fiercely independent.  She has to have things her own way.  She MUST always be informed about EVERYTHING that is going on, especially when it comes to her schedule of events.  It drives her nuts when we have to deviate from our "plan" and anyone who knows her Mother could see how this could be a major personality conflict.  I decided we may as well learn how to work together before the raging hormones set in - we are getting down to the wire here!  She is so responsible and helps me so much.  I depend on her energy and her Independence and ability to do anything and everything every day.  She has such passion for life.  She literally soaks up anything she can.  She is doing an acting class and is involved with the musical, "The Little Mermaid."  She tried out and landed the part of Ariel last week and we are so excited for her!  There are lots of exciting things in her future . . .  

 

 This was our girls lunch and pedi. I love this girl.

 

 

We had a very small "party" to celebrate.  I curse the iphone for the ease and convienience of capturing sub par photos as an excuse for not dragging out my good camera. 

I still love the joy in these images:)