A Massage from . . . China??

This one is a doosie! James got his hair cut the other day at this place called "Happy Hair and Nails." (There is the first problem) While he was there he decided to be really sweet and get me a manicure, pedicure, and massage. He scheduled it for Saturday and so Saturday morning I was off to Happy Hair and Nails for my relaxation package! When I got there they didn't quite seem ready for me. There was some confusion, spoken in Chinese, and then I was lead to a back room of the salon. I was lead into a very small dark room, The lady who was going to give my massage was in a mini skirt and stilettos. She spoke very little English but managed to communicate to me what I was to do. When she came back in the room she turned off the light and left the door cracked a little so that she was able to see. There was no lamp or small light in the room at all! I watched her pick up her oils and walk to the doorway to read the label on the bottle. I couldn't believe it! Was she going to walk back and forth the entire time?! The next thing I knew I was being hit across the face with her hand! It was so dark that she didn't even notice that my face was up and she whacked me right in the eye! There was no apology or acknowledgement of the assault! She then proceeded to give me the most ridiculous massage I have ever received, in silence! There was no music or background noise, just the sound of her breathing. Her technique was like she was spreading flour on the counter. She was flat handed, all over the place, in circular motions. Then she would dig in her fingertips and do short staccato movements here and there and then it was back to the spreading! The next thing I knew she mounted my back - mini skirt and all! There I was, half naked on a table with a Chinese woman on my back panting and sporadically rubbing me down! I'm not exaggerating about the panting, she was piratically out of breath she was working so hard. She dismounted from my bare back and moved on to my legs. She continued this bizarre technique on my legs until I finally got up enough courage to squeak out a few lines I had been practicing for the past eternal ten minutes! Faintly I said, "I think I need to reschedule, I'm not feeling well." With the language barrier between us it was difficult for her to understand that what I was really saying was, "stop!!! I've got to get out of here, and fast!" She responded, I give you thirty min massage, then you go home." I thought about it, how bad could 15 more minutes be? The answer is, BAD! She moved from my legs back to my back, and then to my legs again, all the while doing the flat handed, sporadic, circular motions. I turned on my back in fear! She then grabbed my ankle and began to push my knee toward me like a physical therapist might do for a patient with a pulled muscle. I couldn't believe that this woman with obviously no training was charging money for this torture! I finally said emphatically that I was really ill and must go home immediately. She let me out and then marked 30 min off of my gift certificate. I related my experience to James with laughter and tears (I felt so violated) as we discussed what we would do. He then called the credit card company to stop payment on the credit card. When asked the reason he replied, my wife was just accosted by a Chinese woman!"